A long time ago, when I was still in my teens, a good friend of mine, Phil, used to tell me, “It just doesn’t matter.”
He’d say this whenever we were about to do something daring (better said, crazy) and we would either end up looking like a couple of idiots, brave as all get out, or we’d be ignored and no one would give a damn.
Right, so in order to get me to go along with whatever scheme he had come up with, he’d look me in the eyes, shrug and say, “It just doesn’t matter.” All my arguments and fears would be swept to the wayside and we’d get to creating whatever ruckus was next.
However, to be completely honest with you, at the time I didn’t understand what he was really saying. Sadly, I’ll never get the chance to ask him because he passed away.
Over the years of writing, blogging, publishing in public and failing more often than succeeding, I think I finally realize what he was saying:
Whatever we fear, or whatever shame we may suffer, we’ve got to go for it anyway. The risk is worth it and even if it doesn’t seem like it, it just doesn’t matter, let’s do it!
And boy, did we. I’ll never forget those firecrackers! (But that’s another story.)
Phil never really cared about glory or being noticed, he simply wanted to live life and do whatever we were afraid of. He was so brave. The bravest person I’ve ever known.
Such unwavering bravery is sorely missed in the world today, especially in the arts, when everyone is so worried about being criticized, of making a mistake, and looking like a failure.
So what!?
I mean, who gives a damn if you fail?
I don’t, and you shouldn’t either. I’ll tell you why.
It took me a long time to really understand what a 16-year-old understood already so young.
Life is full of risks, but it’s also very short and if you don’t live your dreams now you may die later regretting that you never took your chances.
People often think of fear as life and death, fight or flight, but there’s another fear and it’s just as dangerous. It’s the fear of looking like a failure and being shamed. Such as what might come if you do something risky and fall flat on your face.
The fear of shame is the fear most people allow to control their dreams and, if we’re being honest about this, it controls the direction their lives take and how they interact with others.
Over the years I’ve met people who work day-to-day doing the daily grind as they call it and they ask me why I bother taking the risks of writing and publishing books. They ask this as if all I’m doing is sticking my neck out and looking foolish. These are the people who sadly will likely never accomplish much outside of a 9 to 5.
On the other hand, I’ve had people ask me for advice on how to write books, how to publish them and how to market them. These folks assume that publishing is worth it and many have gone on to do just that, several, I’m happy to say, surpassing my success.
I’m sure you noticed, there’s a striking difference between those two groups.
One group is afraid of the risk of being shamed or they think they’re not talented enough to do anything on their own and fear failure, and the other group is willing to take risks and just wants to know how best to go about it.
Both groups are projecting the outcome they see on to me, success or failure.
We are all in one of those two groups. (I know there’s a lot of grey area I’m skipping here and I’m doing that on purpose.)
There’s the group of doers and the group of those afraid to do whatever their “it” is.
And believe me, everyone, every person on this Earth of ours, has their own “it.”
What’s yours? Are you pursuing it? If not, why not? What’s stopping you?
Pretend if you have to, pretend until you’re not pretending anymore.
Are you an introvert? Pretend to be an extrovert for at least a day.
Scared? Pretend to be brave for a day.
Can’t focus? Pretend, just for a day, that you have all the focus in the world, sit down, turn off all the distractions and get to it.
Whatever your fear or hangup, it just doesn’t matter. Today might be your last.
It’s interesting how realizing today might be your last, really, truly understanding this, that our daily hang-ups suddenly vanish and we let go of fear, shame, and guilt.
Phil went after his dreams every single day that I knew him. He was one of the most joyful people I’ve ever met, and yet, he had issues outside of his control that eventually led to the end of his life at an all too early age.
The day came when it was Phil’s last, but I’ll tell you this about my friend, while he was here there were things that scared the shit out of him, there were things he was clearly afraid of, but one thing he never let stop him were his fears, certainly not of failure or of shame.
“It just doesn’t matter.” In the right context, are powerful words. Fear and shame, just do not matter, they’ve got another thing coming if they think they can stop us!
You’ve got another thing coming! Was another one of Phil’s sayings whenever someone hinted to him that he was afraid to do something. We first heard it in a Judas Priest song and it became our anthem.
Out there is a fortune waiting to be had
If you think I’ll let it go you’re mad
You’ve got another thing comin’
―Judas Priest, 1982
Even today, when I get a little freaked out, a little too overwhelmed and I start worrying and letting anxiety get the better of me―because let’s face it, I’m human―I turn on that song and I feel the anxiety melt away. I see Phil’s smile in my mind’s eye as we walked down the road with his boom box blaring, “You’ve got another thing comin'”
Sometimes I have to pretend I’m a badass again, the way I was when I was with Phil.
The introvert
A lot of people don’t realize this about me, but I am in introvert. As a kid, I was terribly shy and I stayed mostly to myself. I was very lucky to befriend Phil in school.
If it hadn’t been for Phil, I would be in the first group I talked about, afraid of taking risks and being shamed, living safe day-to-day, only working the grind and hating every minute of it. Instead, I’ve written hundreds of articles, published in magazines, newspapers, and on blogs across the net. I’ve published a few books, too.
A lot of what I’ve tried hasn’t worked, and yet, I still finish and ship, like another friend I admire is keen to say.
Have I been embarrassed by some of my failures?
You bet. But I’ve never felt ashamed for trying any of it.
If I died today, would I regret taking any of those risks?
Ha! You’ve got another thing coming!
I don’t know what your “it” is, but I’ll tell you this, find a way, don’t take no for an answer, do it! Whatever it is.
Live life to the fullest, shame is just imagination gone wild and failure is just another lesson learned. (Click to Tweet This)
Your story is starting. You might not finish.
It just doesn’t matter. Write anyway.
But, since you’re writing,
give it your best,
get serious, be brave,
and never quit.
Show ’em, they got another thing comin’
